Warning: Carnage alert!!
I finally found the much-heralded personal protection device of my dreams: the tennis racket bug zapper thingy! This precious gadget was recommended to me by my friend Pat at the club, but I hadn't been able to find one 'til this evening during my annual/awkward visit to Harbor Freight. It was only $4.99!!! (not including the two required D-sized batteries) But really, people, can you truly put a price tag on effective protection from (overt or potential) attack by the vicious members of Subphylum Hexapoda?!
Of course, I couldn't wait to try out my new toy -- er, tool. I put the batteries into the device (a fine product of The People's Republic of China) and read the instructions that were written, for my convenience, in proper Engrish. Since I live in a drafty 100 year old house, there's usually a critter or two lurking about (ready to pounce) ... but surprisingly I could not find any potential zap-ees inside or outside my house. (By the way, as I went outside, I made a promise to myself that butterflies will always be off-limits from the tennis racket bug zapper thingy. This is my solemn vow. And probably boys will be off-limits, too... I guess.) Anyway, as I re-entered the house, a bit crestfallen, I thought 'A-ha! There is ALWAYS a spider or two in the basement!' So I gleefully made my way down the basement stairs, eager for the kill.
After some searching, I located a couple horrid 'basement spiders.' I moved into position, pressed the little red button, and then gently tapped the spider with the business end of the racket.
!!!!! KA-POW !!!!!!
It was a mini-explosion, complete with fireworks and a shockingly loud POP!!! It was so, um, shocking (sorry), that it brought a startled yelp to my lips! After all that, I couldn't believe it when I saw that he/she was still showing signs of life. (Although I'm pretty sure he/she was surely wondering, 'what the h*ll just happened and BTW OMG WHERE ARE MY LEGS?!?!') I applied a couple more precise strokes and mercifully put the spider out of its misery.
Sadly, this first kill did not satisfy my newly-realized lust for blood (er... um... lust for whatever it is that spiders have inside them.) I quickly located another basement spider, and - with a murderous grin on my face (something, come to think of it, I may need to further explore via prayer and reflection?) - I deftly applied my new plastic Chinese appliance to the nasty critter who lives (lived!) behind my washing machine.
Again with the mini-explosion!!
Again with the loud POP!!
Again with the fireworks!!
Again with the startled YELP!!
Wow - this is one powerful gadget. It opens up a whole world of insect self-defense empowerment for me! Oh, the possibilities!! I wonder if it works on SLUGS? I wonder if it is dangerous to use in the RAIN? Oh what fun I will have discovering the endless possibilities! I, Christy, will never again live in FEAR.
Sigh - my Blackberry, my boat, my dog, and now my plastic Chinese tennis racket bug zapper thingy.... what else does a gal need?