Friday, August 29, 2008

The Must-Have Sailing (and Life!) Accessory

Warning: Carnage alert!!

I finally found the much-heralded personal protection device of my dreams: the tennis racket bug zapper thingy! This precious gadget was recommended to me by my friend Pat at the club, but I hadn't been able to find one 'til this evening during my annual/awkward visit to Harbor Freight. It was only $4.99!!! (not including the two required D-sized batteries) But really, people, can you truly put a price tag on effective protection from (overt or potential) attack by the vicious members of Subphylum Hexapoda?!

Of course, I couldn't wait to try out my new toy -- er, tool. I put the batteries into the device (a fine product of The People's Republic of China) and read the instructions that were written, for my convenience, in proper Engrish. Since I live in a drafty 100 year old house, there's usually a critter or two lurking about (ready to pounce) ... but surprisingly I could not find any potential zap-ees inside or outside my house. (By the way, as I went outside, I made a promise to myself that butterflies will always be off-limits from the tennis racket bug zapper thingy. This is my solemn vow. And probably boys will be off-limits, too... I guess.) Anyway, as I re-entered the house, a bit crestfallen, I thought 'A-ha! There is ALWAYS a spider or two in the basement!' So I gleefully made my way down the basement stairs, eager for the kill.

After some searching, I located a couple horrid 'basement spiders.' I moved into position, pressed the little red button, and then gently tapped the spider with the business end of the racket.

!!!!! KA-POW !!!!!!
It was a mini-explosion, complete with fireworks and a shockingly loud POP!!! It was so, um, shocking (sorry), that it brought a startled yelp to my lips! After all that, I couldn't believe it when I saw that he/she was still showing signs of life. (Although I'm pretty sure he/she was surely wondering, 'what the h*ll just happened and BTW OMG WHERE ARE MY LEGS?!?!') I applied a couple more precise strokes and mercifully put the spider out of its misery.

Sadly, this first kill did not satisfy my newly-realized lust for blood (er... um... lust for whatever it is that spiders have inside them.) I quickly located another basement spider, and - with a murderous grin on my face (something, come to think of it, I may need to further explore via prayer and reflection?) - I deftly applied my new plastic Chinese appliance to the nasty critter who lives (lived!) behind my washing machine.

Again with the mini-explosion!!
Again with the loud POP!!
Again with the fireworks!!
Again with the startled YELP!!

Wow - this is one powerful gadget. It opens up a whole world of insect self-defense empowerment for me! Oh, the possibilities!! I wonder if it works on SLUGS? I wonder if it is dangerous to use in the RAIN? Oh what fun I will have discovering the endless possibilities! I, Christy, will never again live in FEAR.

Sigh - my Blackberry, my boat, my dog, and now my plastic Chinese tennis racket bug zapper thingy.... what else does a gal need?


Anonymous said...

What else does a gal need? How about 'a life"? Don't you know that spiders are our friends? Without them there would be no mammals on this planet. Earth would be over run by the INSECTS!

Anyway, nice story.

Christy ~ Central Air said...

Dear Anonymous Commenter (Moe?) -

I can't disagree with anything you've said here. I can't promise that it will make me be kind to the creepy spiders, but a world overrun by insects makes my blood turn to ice water.

Thanks for visiting my blog!

- Christy